Oh, hello there. It’s been awhile. I’ve been doing some deep thinking about my space here, and also some serious avoiding, but the truthiest truth is that for me, writing is healing. I need to let it be so, without other values attached to it. I am trying to let it be simple. Thank you for coming along, and for your patience with me.
I did One Word last year, when my wobbly bloggy legs were just starting to pull me up and into this new online world.
I chose Rest. In short, it was a bit of a flop.
“Rest” was a decision based on should. I’ve been told I should rest more, be OK with just sitting and being. But as a friend said recently, there’s a fundamental difference between a proactive and passive goal. Rest is just the absence of busy, and I’ve been learning about that for a few years now. God’s there on that journey with me, but I didn’t need that word last year. Not really.
But this year?
This year, a word has chased me around relentlessly — a word with which I’m deeply uncomfortable. It’s a word that exposes all the vulnerability issues I have, it confronts core beliefs; it scares me.
Which, I can only assume, means it’s my 2013 One Word. Whether I like it or not.
So, my One Word resolution for 2013: Worthy.
I’ve already begun reciting it as a mantra, as a holy chant, when shame starts creeping in or I feel less-than. Worthy. worthy. worthy. I’m worthy of love. I’m worthy of belonging. I’m worthy of friendship and hope and beauty.
Right now, it’s repetition with the hope of eventual belief.
I’ve had some issues with this word, but discovered recently how elemental it is to deep relationships and the meaning in my every day. Because to the degree that I believe I’m worthy, I can pass the truth of worthiness to those I love the most.
It’s not easy for me.
Because until now, when I thought “worthy,” I understood it as “deserving.” But my evangelical upbringing taught that we deserve death, destruction and punishment. No, how could I deserve anything good?
But I’ve discovered that worthiness isn’t the same as deserving. I may deserve punishment and I may not, but worthiness? I am worthy because God says so. I am loved because God says so. I am needed because God saw fit to create me and put me here, on this earth, to be an instrument of His love. There is no striving to live “a life worthy,” because it already is. I am worthy, right now, no qualifications, because God has ordained it.
And really, who am I to argue with that?
Worthy now. Loved now. Needed now. I am worth infinite love and radical grace. I am worthy.
And so are you.